Gratitude
In this first post I'd like to begin with gratitude. But, what is gratitude really? This was a question that came to me in 2020 during the height of the COVID pandemic. I would hear from so many people about how grateful they were because they had the means and the health to move through the pandemic with little impact on their survival and/or well-being. Well, seeing people suffer from afar and being glad or happy that you're not one of the ones deeply and catastrophically impacted by a global shutdown is not my idea of gratitude. I cheekily coined the term greeditude to characterize that attitude. When I feel the deepest gratitude in my life is when I can see the suffering and loss of another individual, acknowledge that lack of resourcing in that other, then respond to that lack by searching within myself to see where I am fully resourced, and then offering that resource to that other. So, deep gratitude is the gift I receive from giving, not necessarily from receiving, though there is a deep sense of gratitude that wells up in me when I think of all of the gifts and love I have received from others when offered in the manner I mentioned above.
However, I have received many, many unwanted and unwarranted wounds that have eventually shifted into some of my greatest gifts of all, and that is the process, for me, of falling madly, head-over-heels in love with myself.
This is a list of the beings who have recognized places and areas in my life where I was under-resourced and have held me, loved me, cared for me, blessed me, stood with me, and listened tirelessly to me over the span of my life.
First, I extend my deepest teary-eyed gratitude for my husband, life partner, best friend, and soul companion, Ryan. He has shown me grace, patience, and unconditional acceptance for the past 28 years. I listen to an audio book to fall asleep by just about every night. Currently I am listening to Awakening to the Spirit World by Sandra Ingerman and Hank Wesselman. I was listening to the chapter on Experiential Work with Death and Dying just last night. As I listened, I imagined life without him and I had to keep from sobbing in fear of waking him up. I felt alone and broken. When we awoke, my gratitude swelled knowing that we at least have this one more day together. I imagine a world where I get to awaken next to him for many, many days to come. May I awake with the same gratitude for most of those days ahead. My life is beautiful because of our lives being lived together.
Second-first is our living spirit animal, Inari. We got Inari, a gorgeous Shiba Inu, on our 20th anniversary. She is the light of my life. She has spent the last 8 years by my side, my work companion, my reminder to be playful and enthusiastic, my teacher, and my tether to nature. She teaches me to sense things differently, to be cautiously loving, and to lay in the sun. I love you sweet Inarichan.
Next, my deepest gratitude goes to my sister-from-another-mister, Reimi. Universe aligned to bring the two of us together. She's my bestest bestie anyone could imagine. Our times together are special healing times, whether we are gut-busting with laughter, or sobbing our freaking eyes out, our relationship is magical and just the space I need in order to face the darkness. She allows me to be me, and still likes me! The person I am now is much better because of the relationship we have cultivated. I love you beyond words, Reimi.
Additionally, I would like to mention a list of groups, organizations, and circles that I am a part of that has made a significant impact on my life and have held the guiding light and the space for me to heal, process, and integrate into the human I am today. These appear in the order in which I remember them.
The ManKind Project (MKPUSA.org). I was initiated into Manhood 11 years ago. This organization of men has taught me how to be a fully integrated human in a highly dysfunctional society. They opened the door to my soul and have cultivated the fertile playground where it is safe to practice being me.
The integration groups (part of MKP) that I have sat in or are currently in. Notably, The Rainbow Warriors, The High Desert Warriors, and The Wild Warriors of the East. There are too many names to mention, but thank you to each of the men for listening to me and seeing me in my greatness and also in my not-so-greatness for the past 11 years. MKP is the place where I found my road and taught me how to walk that path with confidence and clarity.
Voices Rising (https://www.alignable.com/bend-or/voices-rising), a community choir that gathers for soulful, unaccompanied, heart-infused singing. It was in one of these gathering that I began to ask the question, "How does one fall in love with themself?" I will definitely be sharing a blogpost in the future about the answer that came. And, in fact, this blog project is the creation inspired by the question that formed by being a part of this group.
My OHC family. These are some of the most loving and open-hearted beings, human and four-legged, that I have ever met. Our times together are magical and healing. This group came into my awareness at a very tender and pivotal moment in my life. I have learned how to be fully who I am as a healer (a title I would avoid - more about that later) and how to live with that title with confidence and humility. Thank you all soooooo much for being the fullest versions of who you are. It gave me the safety net I needed to experiment being fully who I am without imposter syndrome or an inflated ego.
The Center for Wild Spirituality (https://www.wildspirituality.earth/) has been a HUGE part of my life for the past 5 years. During the pandemic, I wondered what I was gonna be when I grew up, again. I discovered the term soul-companion or spiritual director and I had to know more about that. So, I searched out and found Victoria Loorz, who wrote a book called Church of the Wild. I signed up for a year-long exploration into what it means to re-wild ourselves. This has had the most significant impact on my spiritual development. I am now an ordained spiritual director, or I like to use the term Wild Guide, and I am sure you will be hearing much more about my journey with them. Thanks to all of the guides who witnessed me along the way: Vic, Bryan, Matt, Brian, Michelle, Elizabeth, and many others. I also send my gratitude for my various council members who held space for me weekly during the program. Blessings to you all.
The folks at Animas Valley (https://www.animas.org/) who have created programs to help me find the "image that rests at the center of my being". The words that Bill Plotkin has written in his books speaks directly to my heart and says things in a way that my soul can devour. The way he has presented the roadmap to healing and wholeness inspires me daily to see the world less chaotically and more lovingly.
Richard Rohr and the Center for Action and Contemplation (https://cac.org/). Fr. Richard has the ability to say in a loving, eloquent way what I have thought and felt for most of my life. It wasn't until reading his words did I realize that I am not the only one who sees what I am seeing and feeling what I am feeling. He, for a long time, has been the father-figure I had been wanting my whole life. A true elder in a world lacking in that kind of wisdom. He, very indirectly, has taught me how to embrace that loving elder energy. In many ways, he has also kept me from beginning a writing project like this because I doubt I could say or write anything better than what he has already said or written.
Joanna Macy and the Work that Reconnects (https://workthatreconnects.org/) and Active Hope (https://www.activehope.info/). The impact that these practices have made in my life are enormous. Joanna passed away just a few months ago and it was a huge loss to this world, but her work lives on. I am inspired by her vision and work and I will be peppering in some of the processes that are part of that Work of the Great Turning. In fact, I begin this blog with gratitude because in the Active Hope process, they always begin with gratitude. So, when I was thinking about how to start this blog, I took the cue from Joanna and began with gratitude. It is in honoring her life's work and passion that I write this gratitude list.
My Vision Quest family. In a few weeks, I am headed into the wilderness for a week to fast and pray for a vision. My intention is to continue the process of falling deeply, madly, and head-over-heels in love with myself. Thanks to each of you for holding space for my tears, my love, my wisdom, my courage, my weakness, my wholeness. We are in this together, and a continued reminder that though I might be by myself, I am never truly alone (thanks to Emmy O'Dubya for that piece of wisdom.)
Those are most (I say most because I am sure I left out some) of the people and organizations that helped me find the path to become fully inner resourced. Now I would like to shift my praise and gratitude to the beings that ARE my inner resource. What I call my Council of Beings.
I am forever grateful for my archetype beings, the Holy Clown, the Pink Healing Heart Gorilla, the Wind-catcher and Stunning Buck, and the Mosaic Maker. Additionally, the Mole, the Owl, the Dolphin, and the Amethyst Geode. They all hold ancestral wisdom and help me make sense of this disparate world. I’m ALL THAT, and a bag of tricks (thank’s Derek!).
Now I am going to shift into gratitude for my woundedness. These are the systems and beings that held value at one point or another in my life, but I have outgrown.
My family of origin. They are loving and kind and generous in spirit. And, they have provided me with enough fertilizer to make my inner world abundant and full of amazing growth opportunities. Though they are no longer in my radius, they are indelibly etched into the core of my being. Thank you for all that you are and everything you have given.
My yoga studio and all of the people that I served in that capacity for a decade. Thank you for seeing my growth and struggles. It was hard. Very hard. I learned so much from interacting with such a diverse group. But, damn, I’m glad that’s over.
Oregon State University for rejecting me as a graduate student in counseling. I’m very grateful that the universe saw a different path for me. But, at the time, I was sucker-punched by their rejection.
Thanks for witnessing all of that, because I AM ALL THAT (and a bag of tricks). I would like to end this in honor of Joanna Macy by asking a question that she asks in regard to gratitude.
What is it that you love about being alive on Earth right now?
I’d love to hear your answer…